Friday, January 31, 2014

Soul Searching

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I have come to the realization that I have been holding myself back. Not seeing the scale budge has put me in a major funk. Now, you know that I know that the scale is not the only form of measurement. But when you've been on a journey for this long and are accustomed to seeing definitive numbers change and then it tend to get discouraged.

I have seen changes in my physical appearance, more definition in my muscles, definitely feeling stronger in my legs, but I NEED to see the scale move. I lust after seeing a "1" at the beginning of my weight. Is this an issue for me? Yes. It has become a revolving issue that seems to have me paralyzed, fixated to the point of self sabatoge.

Looking back things seemed like such a cake walk. I eat, I work out, the weight fell off. Now...I've fallen off track. I just need to figure out how to get that drive back. I still workout regularly but I'm not seeing the progress I think I should see. Am I delusional? Is this normal, to work so hard for two years and then hit a brick wall? I hate feeling like a negative Nancy...I prefer my positive upbeat self over this sad, disappointed persona that has shown through.

I've narrowed my problems down:

• I cheat too much - I've worked really hard on this issue this month and made it 24 days without a cheat.
• Winter weather sucks - I love running, particularly in hot hot hot weather and I just cannot make myself get out there in this arctic air.  I need more cardio...seriously. I have actually contemplated selling a kidney for a decent treadmill.  (Just kidding)
• I let the numbers define me - I'm 100% a numbers person. I have to see those changes in a definitive way. I long for the mornings that the scale shows a reduction in weight and completely trash talk myself when it doesn't move.
• I know my weaknesses - I know that chocolate and sweet junk are the death of me. I try to tell myself it's okay to have a "little of this" in the house for the kids, but I know in my heart it will end up passing through my lips.  I cannot resist it. The only way it's possible to keep it around is if my husband hides it. If I don't know it's there, I cannot crave it.
• I think I can hide it - All too often I sneak a bite of this or that, and those bites add up. It's all too true, what you eat in private, you wear in public.

So , as I do most nights, I peruse my IG feed and run across this amazing fit quote and "BAM" it hits me. All of these problems, those are exactly describing the old me. The one who was unhappy, weak and tired. I absolutely cannot go back there. I refuse to go back there.  The answers are right in front of me. I know my weaknesses, and strengths. I have done this before and I will continue to do this. I'm starting at square one and making it work once again. I will adjust my nutrition plan to suit me and my needs and tweak it as needed. I will trash the junk in our home. I will get myself back down the path to good health (not that I truly left it).

I will do this. I will defeat the old me once and for all. I am strong. I am working every day to be the best version of myself. I can do this.

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