Friday, January 31, 2014

Soul Searching

 photo 163E9BF5-CA7B-453B-9753-DCA3894BA5E1_zpsoowyds4d.jpg

I have come to the realization that I have been holding myself back. Not seeing the scale budge has put me in a major funk. Now, you know that I know that the scale is not the only form of measurement. But when you've been on a journey for this long and are accustomed to seeing definitive numbers change and then it tend to get discouraged.

I have seen changes in my physical appearance, more definition in my muscles, definitely feeling stronger in my legs, but I NEED to see the scale move. I lust after seeing a "1" at the beginning of my weight. Is this an issue for me? Yes. It has become a revolving issue that seems to have me paralyzed, fixated to the point of self sabatoge.

Looking back things seemed like such a cake walk. I eat, I work out, the weight fell off. Now...I've fallen off track. I just need to figure out how to get that drive back. I still workout regularly but I'm not seeing the progress I think I should see. Am I delusional? Is this normal, to work so hard for two years and then hit a brick wall? I hate feeling like a negative Nancy...I prefer my positive upbeat self over this sad, disappointed persona that has shown through.

I've narrowed my problems down:

• I cheat too much - I've worked really hard on this issue this month and made it 24 days without a cheat.
• Winter weather sucks - I love running, particularly in hot hot hot weather and I just cannot make myself get out there in this arctic air.  I need more cardio...seriously. I have actually contemplated selling a kidney for a decent treadmill.  (Just kidding)
• I let the numbers define me - I'm 100% a numbers person. I have to see those changes in a definitive way. I long for the mornings that the scale shows a reduction in weight and completely trash talk myself when it doesn't move.
• I know my weaknesses - I know that chocolate and sweet junk are the death of me. I try to tell myself it's okay to have a "little of this" in the house for the kids, but I know in my heart it will end up passing through my lips.  I cannot resist it. The only way it's possible to keep it around is if my husband hides it. If I don't know it's there, I cannot crave it.
• I think I can hide it - All too often I sneak a bite of this or that, and those bites add up. It's all too true, what you eat in private, you wear in public.

So , as I do most nights, I peruse my IG feed and run across this amazing fit quote and "BAM" it hits me. All of these problems, those are exactly describing the old me. The one who was unhappy, weak and tired. I absolutely cannot go back there. I refuse to go back there.  The answers are right in front of me. I know my weaknesses, and strengths. I have done this before and I will continue to do this. I'm starting at square one and making it work once again. I will adjust my nutrition plan to suit me and my needs and tweak it as needed. I will trash the junk in our home. I will get myself back down the path to good health (not that I truly left it).

I will do this. I will defeat the old me once and for all. I am strong. I am working every day to be the best version of myself. I can do this.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Groundhog Run 5k

 photo GroundHogLogo_zpsc4f7d2d7.jpg

The first race of the season has been completed!

 photo IMG_4994_zps0ff6fd9d.jpg

 photo IMG_4997_zps316ec538.jpg
Post Race

 photo Results_zpsa699bfa1.jpg
Chip Time: 39:47.7 | Age Place: 127/171 | Overall Place: 1386/1801

 photo IMG_4992_zps1af09a60.jpg

 photo IMG_5010_zps3a7f04bd.jpg

I'm excited to see what this year's race season brings. We, Marisa & I, now have a solid base to start with and we look forward to improving our time!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Happy 2014's been a while since I've blogged. I've been keeping up daily with my instagram account, so I in no way have quit.

 photo photo1_zpsf6e29fa4.jpg

Things are starting off rocky for me this year. A little back story; we surprised my grandparents on Christmas day by having the family show up at the house for a get together.  I brought my camera and just tried to capture the moments we shared as a family. As it turned out, our time with Grandpa would be one of the last special moments we would share as a whole family. A few days after Christmas, Grandpa suffered a stroke to the right side of his brain.  He has spent the last couple of weeks in the hospital, while the doctors determined the severity of his condition. In the end, there is a very unlikely chance he will ever return home. As of this afternoon he has Ben transferred to a rehabilitation facility where he will he likely spend the remainder of his life. It's a lot to take in emotionally.

The other issue I've now been forced to face is saying "goodbye for now" to my training partner, motivator and friend. For the last month or more, I've been weight training with my friend, helping her strengthen herself so that she could enlist in the Marines. This has been her dream, to join, to serve and to make her country proud.  We had a deadline of when she would be shipping off  to bootcamp. That changed from February to the end of January. I honestly thought we'd have more time together until I received the bombshell text yesterday.

She was offered a contract on the job she wanted, she jumped at the chance and they shipped her out this morning. My friend and motivator is gone. I am beyond devastated. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled she is chasing her dreams. She has worked so hard to get this far., but it has left a major hole in my soul. I cried all yesterday afternoon and evening. I was literally a blubbering baby.

Today has gone a little but better. I talked to her Mommy and offered to workout with her while my friend is away. I made some promises to my friend and I intend to keep them. I also really and truly thought  about why this situation is making me so sad.  My husband even questioned why is making me so upset and I believe I now know why.

I truly do not have many friends who know the ins and outs of my fitness habits and training practices. There are few people I see on an almost daily basis who believe in the same dreams I do. Dreams where I can accomplish whatever I want. There is no one, besides my friend, who motivates me when I want to quit mid-workout; when I think "it's too much weight to lift." We seriously push each other through every session whether it be lifting or fitness class. Saturday I finally decided to go with it and started Krav Maga and she was there for me, helping me, making me understand. I feel lost because our friendship has been so strong and now... she's not here.

I don't wish for her to return early, I want her to be successful in bootcamp and become the best Marine she can be. I am grateful she thought highly enough of me to ask for help so that she could chase her dream. In return I am going to work my butt off and stay motivated, keeping my promises and I am going to chase my dreams, becoming the best version of myself.

Thirteen weeks. I will be a better person when she touches down again.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...