Soul Searching

I have come to the realization that I have been holding myself back. Not seeing the scale budge has put me in a major funk. Now, you know that I know that the scale is not the only form of measurement. But when you've been on a journey for this long and are accustomed to seeing definitive numbers change and then it stops...you tend to get discouraged.

I have seen changes in my physical appearance, more definition in my muscles, definitely feeling stronger in my legs, but I NEED to see the scale move. I lust after seeing a "1" at the beginning of my weight. Is this an issue for me? Yes. It has become a revolving issue that seems to have me paralyzed, fixated to the point of self sabatoge.

Looking back things seemed like such a cake walk. I eat, I work out, the weight fell off. Now...I've fallen off track. I just need to figure out how to get that drive back. I still workout regularly but I'm not seeing the progress I think I should see. Am I delusional? Is this normal, to work so hard for two years and then hit a brick wall? I hate feeling like a negative Nancy...I prefer my positive upbeat self over this sad, disappointed persona that has shown through.

I've narrowed my problems down:

• I cheat too much - I've worked really hard on this issue this month and made it 24 days without a cheat.
• Winter weather sucks - I love running, particularly in hot hot hot weather and I just cannot make myself get out there in this arctic air.  I need more cardio...seriously. I have actually contemplated selling a kidney for a decent treadmill.  (Just kidding)
• I let the numbers define me - I'm 100% a numbers person. I have to see those changes in a definitive way. I long for the mornings that the scale shows a reduction in weight and completely trash talk myself when it doesn't move.
• I know my weaknesses - I know that chocolate and sweet junk are the death of me. I try to tell myself it's okay to have a "little of this" in the house for the kids, but I know in my heart it will end up passing through my lips.  I cannot resist it. The only way it's possible to keep it around is if my husband hides it. If I don't know it's there, I cannot crave it.
• I think I can hide it - All too often I sneak a bite of this or that, and those bites add up. It's all too true, what you eat in private, you wear in public.

So , as I do most nights, I peruse my IG feed and run across this amazing fit quote and "BAM" it hits me. All of these problems, those are exactly describing the old me. The one who was unhappy, weak and tired. I absolutely cannot go back there. I refuse to go back there.  The answers are right in front of me. I know my weaknesses, and strengths. I have done this before and I will continue to do this. I'm starting at square one and making it work once again. I will adjust my nutrition plan to suit me and my needs and tweak it as needed. I will trash the junk in our home. I will get myself back down the path to good health (not that I truly left it).

I will do this. I will defeat the old me once and for all. I am strong. I am working every day to be the best version of myself. I can do this.

Weigh In Day

Weigh in Day

08.13 = 210.2

08.20 = 209.4

-0.8 pounds

Total Loss to Date: 68.2 pounds

Today's first-thing-wake-up-naked weight:

Weigh In Day

Weigh in Day

08.06 = 210.4

08.13 = 210.2

-0.2 pounds

Total Loss to Date: 67.4 pounds

Yesterday's first-thing-wake-up-naked weight:

Weigh In Day

Weigh in Day

07.30 = ?????

08.06 = 210.4

-?? pounds

Total Loss to Date: 67.2 pounds

Yesterday's first-thing-wake-up-naked weight:

Weigh In Day

Weigh in Day

07.23 = 210.0

07.30 = ?????

-?? pounds

Total Loss to Date: 67.6 pounds

Ummm, yeah I skipped weigh in. :P

Yesterday's first-thing-wake-up-naked weight:

Yikes... this is what I get for cheating one too many times this last week. So, I hopped on again today... see, waste and water weight!

It's amazing how the body fluctuates. Moving on... I don't have a fabulous Transformation Tuesday pic for this week but I did a face comparison... Oh My Word!!!

And... drum roll please!!!!! I went shopping for another pair of shorts to get me through summer... I'm officially down to a 14. I don't think I've worn a 14 since grade school!!!

To make things more interesting, the hubs asked me last night what size I started at compared to where I'm at now. I cannot believe I wrote that out!!!! I really can't believe I admitted to squeezing my rump into a smaller size for the sake of vanity and not wanting to actually purchase a larger size that actually fit. I'm also glad I'll never EVER see that size on my clothing again.

As for my cheating ways these last couple of weeks... I've let myself indulge way too much. So I've decided to start photo-tracking my meals again. I may or may not post them here on the blog, but you can for sure find them on my IG acct. I started yesterday... so far, so good. It's definitely helping keep me in check. ;)

What methods do you use to keep on track?

Weigh In Day

Weigh in Day

07.16 = 211.6

07.23 = 210.0

-1.6 pounds

Total Loss to Date: 67.6 pounds

Phew... feeling a little bit better this week!


Today's first-thing-wake-up-naked weight:

I'm am stoked!!! NO cardio at all this week and I was sweating bullets. I could have sworn it was going to be another positive...but it's a loss!

The doctor has set me up with an MRI in the morning. After that we will have a better game plan for treatment which may include physical therapy. Until we get the MRI results I'm stuck in the boot... sort of. Yes, I take the boot off to lift now as I really despise wearing a nasty sweaty boot the remainder of the day. Rest assured, I'm very cautious while not in the boot. And I am thankful all of my weights are no more than an arms length away. That being said, yesterday was chest and triceps!!! One of my favorite days. And the pics on the left are courtesy of my 4yo. Today I upped my bent over row PR. I did 3 sets: 40# x 15, 45# x 15, and 50# x 20.

This is from my IG this morning: "Tomorrow I will be having my MRI, and I'm nervous and anxious. Not for the procedure itself, but for the outcome. We'll finally have a solid treatment plan and I'll finally have an answer rather than an educated guess. None the less, I still work each day towards my goals regardless of my injury. This injury has only proven to me how much I've actually changed my lifestyle. It has really been a blessing in disguise. It has proven to me that once the fire of determination is lit, it is very difficult to extinguish. We all get to a point where we get down on ourselves or overwhelmed because we aren't seeing the changes we think we should. Some times you need to take a step back and look at the big picture. Chances are you're a lot further along in your journey than you realize."

And lastly... Name this veggie! We bought it from our raw milk farmer tonight. I cant wait to try it!

Weigh In

Weigh in Day

07.09 = ???

07.16 = 211.6

-??? pounds

Total Loss to Date: 66.0 pounds

Frustrated, I still went to weigh in.


Today's first-thing-wake-up-naked weight:

I'm utterly pissed off. So not only did I gain last week but I still gained a smidge this week. There are two ways to look at this. One, I'm "injured" and cannot perform my normal duties and am sitting on my butt more than I normally do, so this is "okay." Two, WHAT THE F&*$? I'm still lifting, still watching my food intake, especially now that I don't have any real cardio to offset those calories. I'm just flippin' pissed off!

I do know that today I find myself rather overly emotional. I'm upset because I cannot find a good cardio solution, that I have access to or can do for free, that doesn't involve putting pressure on my foot. While my foot is slowly healing, it still pains me to put pressure on it for too long (standing to cook). I'm seriously having workout withdraws. Add  that into the fact that Mother Nature was running about a week behind schedule and stressed me out, and now there's those hormones to deal with... I'm just overly tired and drained.

I feel like I have all this pent up energy and no where I can put it to use, which freaks me out. I'm afraid of falling back into a depression and not wanting to work out. Bad situation all around. But here I sit, wanting to work out and not being able to. Most of the solutions I've seen when Googling are the bone heads who say "lift more weights." Duh dip wad, I already do that every other day. I, personally, cannot lift 7 days a week and be successful... I need a little rest in between which is where my cardio comes into play. :P

So if anyone can afford to have a pool put in at my home, so that I can swim for cardio, that would be great. Until then, I apologize for the lack of happiness in this post... I'm just not feeling it today.

I still only got 3 days of lifting in this week. Upper middle, that was weigh in day and I rested. Lower left two, doctor visit and grocery day respectively. I feel absolutely fabulous the days I lift... I just cannot wait for this foot to heal!

I posted this quote this morning on my IG account. Although I meant it to be used as inspiration for others to get moving towards their goals, as I look at it now it only reminds me of the frustration I'm feeling for not being able to move and having to stand still. Ironic huh?

Weigh In

Weigh in Day

07.02 = 210.4

07.08 = ???

-??? pounds

Total Loss to Date: 67.2 pounds

I confess! I didn't want to wander into Weigh In wearing my pretty boot, so I skipped weigh in... probably a good call on my part. ;)


Today's first-thing-wake-up-naked weight:

Yikes! Darn those cupcake cones. :/ So I'm also going to attribute it to the lack of workouts last week as well. Thank you foot!

Before I get to this week's TT, here's a fun pic of baby girl sporting her new FTYF Glow In the Dark Tank. I posted it yesterday and she was reposted to FTYF's Instagram account. As of this post she has over 800 likes!!! LOL.

This weeks Transformation Tuesday!

And this was me after leg day today. No it's not easy to do legs while sporting a boot... but I'll be damned if I didn't do my best. Talk about a sweaty mess! I do have an appointment in the morning and I'm hoping to get to the bottom of the foot pain (no pun intended).

Weigh In

Weigh in Day

06.25 = 212.0

07.02 = 210.4

-1.6 pounds

Total Loss to Date: 67.2 pounds

Today's first-thing-wake-up-naked weight:

After Saturday's two 5k's I found my best friend and loved on it a little ;)

My daughter busted me lovin' on the foam roller. LOL. I hate to admit I'm beginning to fall in love with him. He knows just how to stretch those sore muscles when I need it most, even if it's uncomfortable at times. In the end he always makes me feel better.

Transformation Tuesday

While looking through old hard drives for some photographs I happened to stumble upon a rare photograph of me at my heaviest. This was taken right after an 18 mile bike ride. Yes, even at my heaviest I still did it; uncomfortable, huffing, puffing, and completely in pain, I still did it.

When I put this picture next to the picture taken at Saturdays race, it's enough to make me cry. My how far I've come. I cannot believe I let myself get to such an unhealthy place, but I am forever grateful to those that have been apart of this transformation. I would not be where I'm at today if not for these wonderful folks.

I still have a ways to go, but I'm getting stronger with each passing day. I'm learning more and more about nutrition, my body and what I am truly capable of.

This motivator has so much meaning for me, but I'm posting it for a certain someone. She knows who she is, and she'll understand why I'm posting it, and why I am so proud of her!

Weigh In

Weigh In

05.21 = 214.6

05.28 = 212.6

-2.0 pounds

Total Loss to Date: 65.0 pounds

I knew it...

Work Outs
Last weeks workouts!!! 6 for 6

Monday: 60 Min Kettlebell Class
Tuesday: 18.33 mile Ride
Wednesday: Chest & Triceps
Thursday: 6.2 mile Ride
Friday: Back/Shoulders, Core & Calves
Saturday: 5.4 mile Ride
Sunday: Rest Day



A Little Addicted...

New Progess Pics

 

As I've said before, my before picture is not at my heaviest {277.6lbs}, but close. I have 4 or 5 of these types of progress pictures in my journey. I was tempted to put them all side by side so you could see me shrinking, but I think that may have been a few too many semi-nekid pics of me for one post. :P

Am I 100% happy with how my body looks today? No. Am I getting closer to my goals? Yes! My weight has been stuck for a month or more now, but.. I am losing some serious inches overall. I mean I've gone from a size 26W to a 16... I CANNOT complain about that.

I went through a rough patch not long ago and slipped away from working out, that put some major crimps in my plans. But the good news is, I'm not alone. Yes, this isn't the first time someone has gone through a slump. The most important thing is that I got back up and picked up where I left off. I can definitely tell the difference on days where I skip a workout, which still happens from time to time, but I try my best to not make it a habit. I've spent too much time creating a good habit of working out to just give up.

Without any more jibber jabber... Here I am in almost my birthday suit. O.o

I'm very please with the changes I've gone through thus far, still have a ways to go. :D

Here's a few recent IG pic for you too, so my butt isn't the last thing you see tonight. ;)

This was a great "recipe." So easy and so tasty!!! Smoked Paprika Chicken, Whole Wheat Orzo and Herbed Goat Cheese Roasted Brussels Sprouts. Nomnomnom!

Me & Baby Girl getting our flex on.

I love a nice long ride!