Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I Wish...

At least I got out and played in the snow today.

I wish things came easier for me. I really do.

I had this whole post talked out in my head last night as I tried to fall asleep, so I'm going to do my best to recreate what I can recall that I really wanted to get off my chest. I do that a lot you know, I can't get to sleep because my head is busy, and so I talk through things (in my head) and then I'm able to sleep. Of course I didn't write anything down so here we go.

The reason I wish things were easier for me (aka things that have transpired the last couple of weeks):

1. Chocolate is my enemy. I CANNOT control my intake if it is in the house. I SERIOUSLY ate the remainder of a box Ghirardelli candy dipping chocolate that was in the pantry from Christmas. I also polished off a bag of milk chocolate chips. See, NO SELF CONTROL. Everyone has said, oh just keep a bag of kisses in the pantry and eat one when you get the urge. ONE??? Again, you haven't met me.

2. Eating out sucks. I love my fast food, and it sucks that when we were out the past weekend there wasn't a place to eat that wasn't McDonald's, we were in Kansas aka the middle of nowhere. That totally blew my good eating habits out of the water. Since then I have slowly started to recover. But that leads me to my next point.

3. I LOVE a great brownie. Even worse I love the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Brownies I made yesterday during our blizzard. Everyone I know was talking about brownies and I haven't had any in a while. So I checked the pantry, we had loaded up prior to my weight loss journey and I had the makings for this sinful dessert. Now, this leads me to a problem, refer back to number one. I CANNOT eat a small piece, and the past two days I've eaten at least two pieces each day. AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

So I thought to myself, why did I start this journey? Why must I always sabotage myself? It seems as though anytime I put forth an effort and get some sort of momentum going I totally do something stupid to blow it or I back away from a challenge (aka working out). In all seriousness, TWO DAYS of workouts w/ the Shred. I felt awesome, I felt like I was in control, as if I were getting somewhere. What do I do? Make a batch of brownies, scarf down on them with THREE COKES!!! I hadn't had a Coke since I can't remember when, because it was something I was giving up, senseless calories. Again, if it's in the house it seems to find it's way into my stomach.

Does this make me an all or nothing kind of person? I mean, if it's in the house I'm going to consume it, so I guess if it's not on the menu it needs to go bye-bye. Am I right in my thinking? Obviously the whole "eat it in moderation" thing DOES NOT APPLY here. Otherwise I would have never gained the weight that I did and be hovering near 300 pounds.

How do I get away from feeling so freaking frustrated? How do I get out of this rut. How do I move beyond the junk food that seems to lurking in the back of every cabinet? How do I get back to focusing on working out and staying focused? How do I not let myself down AGAIN? I wish I knew...

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