Inspired to Expose Myself

One of my fav blogs of late is Letters to Jia. If you've never discovered this blog, now is the time. Jia teamed up with Charlie. Charlie is Jia's mentor and has BTDT. Charlie leads Jia, gives her challenges and puts her through everything she went through during her own weight loss journey. It's a very inspirational blog.

Yesterday Charlie challenged Jia to a Budoir session. To expose herself, not necessarily showing the world her pictures, but she needed the eye opener. To understand further why she is trying to get healthy. To be able to look back on where she'd been, and why she'd never go back there. I took Charlie's message to heart. I know I need "before" pictures, but more so I needed to evaluate myself. To come to the realization that I don't hate my body, but rather I dislike the way I let it go. But I've also been able to realize had it not been for this body I wouldn't have the two beautiful children I have. So following Charlie's challenge, here's my response.

This is how my thought process went while reading the challenge to Jia:

And this week's challenge is going to be tough. This is where the muscle meets the road. And you are going to have to have your hubby help you with this one. For that I apologize, but there is no other way. You are going to take your before photos.

"Eek. I knew I'd have to sooner or later, and better sooner otherwise how will I know how I truly looke, right?"

Now, this may not seem like such a big deal, but my before photos almost put me 8 feet under.

"Well, now I'm scared to death to look at photos of myself. Crap!"

Find a tank top, sports bra and shorts or bathing suit. As little clothing as possible that shows what your body looks like right now.

"Got it."

Then, do the unthinkable. Strip off what little clothes you have and do some in the buff.

".....uhhhh......hehe.....really? Crap!"

These shots are the hardest. These are the ones no one will ever see but you and your hubby.

This is where I decided I just had to get up and do it.
My hubby was at work, so I brought out the old handy dandy tri-pod. I didn't get the "shots" I wanted because quite frankly it's hard to get the camera to focus on nothing and then step into the frame, but I did my best.

I agree with Jia, I didn't want to see what it would show me about my body.
Quite frankly I don't want to see the truth, who does? My husband says I'm beautiful and looks at me like I'm some world famous model. But frankly, that's not who I see, that's not WHAT I see. I don't want him to see this raw, real me, but in honesty he has. He's see me this way since the day we met. Sure I'm a few pounds heavier, but he's never stopped loving me for me. I don't know why I'm so scared of him seeing these pictures, because it's not like he hasn't seen me before.

I took the pictures myself.

I haven't told the hubby. I didn't linger on the pictures, other than editing. Why? Because I know me. I'm an obsesser. If I looked at those images too long, they would haunt me. Not in a motivational way, but in a depression causing way. This is me now, this is NOT going to be me in the future. I can change this.

But I do want to tell you what I did see while I glanced over my images.

I am the mother to two gorgeous, HEALTHY children. Without this body, there is no way I could have carried them for nine months and given birth to them naturally (and one drug free.) Without this body I could not have given birth to two children, thirteen months apart. Without this body I could not have nourished my daughter for eight months. Without this body I could not have nourished my son for the last year, and we're still going strong.  So what I see when I look at my body is a vessel, one that was able to create and give life. In return I was given badges of honor, better known as stretch marks. These marks will remain with me the rest of my life, but they will shrink as I shrink. More than likely they will fade from their dark purple color, but I will always wear them proudly. I will wear them because they helped me during my journey of childbirth. They made me the Mommy I am today.

When I look at my body I also see scars. First I see the appendectomy scars I received a few months prior to conceiving our daughter. They create indents in my skin from the scars being tight while my skin is not so tight. I see where I was sick and was able to be healed by modern medicine. For that I am grateful, grateful it took place before we conceived our daughter so that no complications were caused to the preganancy.

I also see the scars that stretch from one side of my chest to the other. In our family we are rather well endowed and at the tender age of 23 I decided a breast reduction was the best chance at life I had. I went from a 38 DDD/F to a 38 C. I looked amazing. However, whenever I remove my clothing I see this reminder of what I had. I'm thankful I don't have to lug that extra 50 pounds around on my back anymore. But I can't help but hate the scars. They are much lighter in color these days, but still there as a reminder of where I'd been.

That is why I will cherish these pictures. They remind me of where I've been. Why I'm doing this...why I NEED to lose the weight and become a healthier person. I can't take back the stretch marks and scars, but I can make sure that I'm alive for my children. So I appoligize if I offend anyone with these pictures, but they are me. Take it or leave it. I've have decided to take it and use it to better my life.